Fragments of wisdom I’ve picked up along the way

Deeply inspired by my best friend’s timeless blog post, I’ve decided to forge my own list of unsought life advice.

As we go around the block, and then some, we inevitably amass valuable fragments of insight – unasked for life experience that has a way of moulding us into wiser, more capable individuals. These gems of wisdom aren’t always the result of deliberate seeking; instead, they often emerge from the simple act of living. I’m not a sage by any means. These nuggets are derived solely from my own subjective life experience. I do hope it resonates.

This list isn’t final, as you can imagine. I do hope to live well through old age.

So here goes – my pieces of unsolicited life advice:

1. Move naturally as much as you can. Don’t waste your money on an expensive gym membership. Choose physical activity you can stick to. Incorporate it into your daily life. Go on walks. Go on hikes. Go for a swim. Take the stairs instead of the elevator every time. Drop the car. Walk to work if you can. Have sex. Don’t sit for too long.
2. Don’t argue with people who are committed to misunderstanding you. Intuitively, you will notice soon enough. Well-intentioned people will try their best to understand you and if they don’t, they won’t make you feel shitty about it.
3. Offer sincere help to people in need. Make sure they listen. Accept it when they refuse. You can’t help people who don’t want to be helped.
4. Under-promise, over-deliver. Commit, though.
5. Make a monthly budget. Include all recurring expenses. Don’t be in denial about your financial reality.
6. Religion is fine. Judgement is not. Don’t use your religion as a criterium to judge people who do not adhere to it. Don’t push your belief system on to other people and do not blindly assume people hold the same standards or way of living.
7. Atheists can be as radical, extremist and dogmatic as believers. Some of them actually are.
8. Take pauses during fights or arguments. Chances are emotions are running high and that 90% of what is being said during is either misunderstood, miscommunicated, exaggerated. People often look for the meanest thing to say when they’re emotional and they feel their back is against the wall or feel they’re being attacked. Say ”pause”.
9. Loving kindness, every time. Let it be your default.
10. Live lightly. Forgive quickly, Move on. You have bigger problems.
11. Make it an exercise to find an empathetic thing to say about someone instead of judging them. We’re all on the same boat.
12. Have a best friend. They will save your life more than once. They also give great speeches at your wedding.
13. Religion and faith is not essentially bad nor essentially good. All religions do not exist outside the minds of their followers. The Judaism of a modern-orthodox woman in Brussels is not the same as the one followed by a modern-day settler in Hebron. This goes for all religions.
14. You are not your thoughts. You are what you do. This is what helped me deal with anxiety.
15. Don’t drink more than one cup of coffee a day at work. If you can, skip it altogether. People don’t realize it, but it is a psychoactive drug. You’re setting unrealistic expectations for yourself. Enjoy it but use sparingly.
16. You can measure a person’s soul by how they treat service staff. Life tested.
17. If you have children and people ask you what they can buy for their birthdays, ask for money and set it aside for them. Toys are temporary and they will forget about it soon enough. They will thank you later.
18. Spend as much time offline as you can. Failing that, have a digital sabbath. Use the time for your mind to regroup and appreciate the internet again. Spend active time with your kids.
19. This too shall pass. Because everything does.
20. If you lend your friends or family money, material things or perform acts of service, don’t assume you will be repaid and be okay with that. Don’t let them take it for granted, though.
21. People are who they are. Not who they should be or who they CAN be. Don’t try to change them. Appreciate the quirks, the defects, the qualities as a package deal. When people show you who they are, believe them.
22. Be an active but respectful communicator. Don’t give hints and don’t assume people know what you’re talking about. Give clear instructions but don’t bark commands either. Make your wishes known. Passive aggressiveness never works for anybody and makes you feel shitty.
23. Don’t get into political arguments. Something I’m still getting the hang of. I’ve never managed to convince anyone to change ”lanes”, nor has anyone ever convinced me to change mine. It is useless and you will fight and you will feel miserable about it.
24. No phones at the dinner table. You deserve each other’s full attention.
25. Don’t say ”I’ll be happy when/if..”. This statement has a dark underbelly. Don’t chase happiness. It will make you miserable. Celebrate the little wins.
26. Be radically open and vulnerable from the very beginning. It’s the only way I know how to make friends or forge connections. It has never failed me. (this one is stolen from my best friend’s blog, but I 100% adhere to it).
27. It’s not all about you. In fact, it rarely is. Don’t take it personally. Be the best person you can be and move on. When you start realising how many people cope by projecting, you’ll realise you’re not actually the problem
28. Don’t try to be cool. The coolest and most interesting people I know are tragically uncool by conventional standards.
29. Done is better than perfect. Aim for perfection but move on when you can’t or don’t have the luxury to.
30. There are no stupid questions. Well-intentioned, honest and curious people are always appreciated.

Best of Amsterdam

My favorite walking tour

Beethovenstraat – Roelof Hartstraat – Ferdinand Bolstraat – Albert Cuypstraat (and market) – Utrechtsestraat – Magere Brug (Skinny Bridge) – Portuguese Synagogue – Bloemenmarkt – de 9 straatjes (“the nine streets”) – Jordaan/Anne Frank House

*Starting point is Beethovenstraat, which is where I live, which incidentally, is an amazing street to walk in. But you can start from any point south of Roelof Hartstraat

**De 9 straatjes is not a street, it is actually a shopping area in Amsterdam-Centre. The nine streets connect the Prinsengracht, Keizersgracht, Herengracht and Singel. Walk through them all (Reestraat, Hartenstraat, Gasthuismolensteeg, Berenstraat, Wolvenstraat, Oude Spiegelstraat, Runstraat, Huidenstraat, Wijde Heisteeg)

***The end stop is het Anne Frank Huis in de Jordaan area, but it doesn’t mean you actually have to visit it. It is definitely worth a visit but in the context of the walking tour, you can consider it to be your end stop.

****My favorite walking tour does by no means cover all the beautiful spots in Amsterdam. It is just my favorite walking tour and the one I deem “most walkable” and encompassing of my favorite areas/spots. If you have the legs for it, return walking from the Jordaan to the Beethovenstraat but passing through het Leidseplein, de PC Hooftstraat, Museumplein and het Vondelpark.

Eat

• SORA Sapporo (Ramen – Noodles – authentic Japanese)
• Pho 91 (Pho – Vietnamese)
• Pizza Beppe (the first authentic Neapolitan pizza in the Netherlands)
• Nnea Pizza (also pretty awesome Neapolitan pizza place)
• Pizzabakkers (not Neapolitan but fantastic nonetheless)
• Tanuki (think of it as small Japanese dishes) – there are two locations. Choose the location in Amstelveen, which is more authentic Japanese.
• At Seven (brunch in de Rivierenbuurt) – try their vega club sandwich with fries. Oh my word.
• Staring at Jacob – (New York Style Brunch – come hungry)
• Vlaams Friteshuis Vleminckx (kiosk where you can order amazing fries – don’t ever let anyone tell you “they miss Dutch fries”, there is no such thing)
• Alfonso’s (Mexican)
• Le Fournil (French bakery) – up to now, the most delicious croissants and madeleines I’ve eaten in Amsterdam. Their bread is nothing to write home about. Go for the croissants, the madeleines and their pain au chocolat.
• Buy candy at Jamin when you feel sad. Or happy. Or all the time.
• Anne en Max (brunch – try their vegan cheesecake)
• Mana Mana (Israeli)

Movie theatres

Simple: Tuschinski for the authentic exterior (the most beautiful movie theatre I’ve ever seen. I actually wanted to propose to my wife there but at the time there was a movie festival being held there which was going to last for about a month. Worth a visit even without a film.

For the films: Rialto, Eye film museum, de Balie or Filmtheater Uitkijk (for the art house kind of films). Pathé Arena or Tuschinski (for the mainstream films).

Bookshops

• Scheltema (mostly Dutch but some English)
• American Book Center
• Waterstones
• Lambiek (a comic book shop – they have absolutely everything, from vintage/limited edition Suske en Wiskes to newest releases. Friendly staff)

Record stores

• Waxwell Records
• Concerto (this place is my Mecca. They serve coffee and soup as well)

Nerd heaven/Game stores/Game centers

• Friends and Foes
• Gamekeeper

The benefits of cognitive behavioral therapy

I would like to use this blog post to touch on a rather personal subject in the hope of reaching and directly or indirectly helping likeminded people who struggle with anxiety too.

I feel I have had underlying anxiety for as long as I can remember.
At school, I was always the kid who refused to climb trees out of fear of falling off. I always took excessive precautions for the dumbest of things. Everything seemed too high or dangerous to jump off from. I first had to squat to “test the waters” until I felt comfortable enough to “let go and go nuts”.
There was no diagnose or any need to get diagnosed. There was no name for it. People just thought I was fragile and sensitive.

Nevertheless, I had a wonderful childhood. My anxiety was always present, but I never took the effort to label it, let alone grant it any importance whatsoever. It was just a feeling that crept up once every so often that made my body feel weird or tense.
Back then, I unconsciously developed some recurring symptoms that seemed harmless at the time but in hindsight were pretty revealing or indicative of anxiety. Shaky, restless legs, pounding or racing heart, upset stomach, you name it.

I never realized how serious my anxiety was until now almost five years ago. Before that, I never went through the trouble of having it diagnosed. Up until then, it had always been uncomfortable, yet manageable. In 2016, I suffered a traumatic experience and since then, the anxiety made sure to let me know it wasn’t going anywhere. It intensified and it got scary.

Prior to this experience, what soothed me was the naïve assumption that “I’m just too much in my head” and that things could never go as wrong as I fear. 2016 gave me and my anxious mind the lesson that the worst can actually happen. That was a lesson I’d gladly have skipped.

My anxiety got out of control by the end of 2017. I suffered severe panic attacks which I thought would be the end of me. My heart did all kinds of crazy things (palpitations, skipped beats, racing, pounding, …), my digestive system collapsed, I had a brief period of agoraphobia and I avoided all the things that I could avoid without too many repercussions. Work, trips, .. you name it. I paid more visits to the doctor and the emergency room than the entire 35 years of my life combined and I had the most invasive kind of tests done on me to rule out serious illnesses.

Before that time, I maintained a belief system that if I took some kind of vitamin or pill I would be fine. “I had coffee this morning. It’s normal I feel overly anxious.” And although it bears some truth that caffeine can trigger anxiety attacks in already prone individuals (quitting caffeine is one of the best things I did for my health), my anxiety was still my anxiety. It needed to be acknowledged and taken care of. There was nowhere for me to run anymore. There was no pill for me to take. My anxiety was here to stay. I couldn’t allow myself to be lazy anymore or that huge monster would take over my life.

Enter cognitive behavioral therapy. CBT https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy) gave my mind the necessary tools to cope on its own. It has now been two and a half years since my last panic attack. I’ve come to miss my anxious moments because when it does hit, it hits hard and it makes me regret I wasn’t on high alert. Anxiety keeps me on my toes and serves as a reminder that I should take better care of myself. Rest more, care less, make more time for the things that really do matter in life. Zoom out. Spend time with and actively listen to my wife, make time for people I care about, not always be somewhere else in my head and worrying about things to come.
It takes a lot of time and patience – and experience – to make and notice improvements.but at least, I feel these tools are here for the long haul.
Some specific CBT tools which were very helpful for me:
• Focused distraction – while you’re having a panic attack, it will never be easy to distract yourself. But go through the motions and keep at it. The feeling will follow, your mind will eventually catch on. Sit with the discomfort temporarily and you’ll be rewarded.
• While you’re not distracted – stick with your anxiety. Be present with it. Observe and give it room. I used to have a mantra: “c’mon, destroy everything, show me what you’ve got”. Get yours.
• Persistence – don’t expect to see results straight away. You have to be patient. And when you feel like you’ve run out – be patient some more. It’s about the end game.
• The notion that no permanent physical damage is done, as intense as the panic attacks may seem at that moment.
• Probably the most important one: desensitization. The more panic attacks you have, the more you notice they can’t harm you. The more you just feel comfortable to let the storm pass.
• The circle of panic: allow, focused distraction, let the storm pass
• Intellectualizing the physical sensations of anxiety: A pounding or racing heart does not necessarily mean you’re having a heart attack. It is just your fight or flight response that works overtime. A constant feeling of having a lump in your throat does not mean you have cancer. More often than not, it is caused by severe stress or anxiety.

CBT focuses on challenging and changing unhelpful cognitive distortions (e.g. thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes) and behaviors, improving emotional regulation and the development of personal coping strategies that target solving current problems. The ultimate goal is to replace unhelpful and problematic thinking patterns with fresh, new, more constructive ones.

As I mentioned earlier, it has been a long time since my last panic attack but it serves me well to know that I will always be prone to anxiety. That is my personal kryptonite when times are hard. But thanks to CBT, I feel I have the necessary tools to not only cope, but to overcome it convincingly.

I heart London

For people who are not too much into the semi-literal meaning of sentences and who need clarification for above title: I love London. I love Paris as well. But in my head, whereas I always saw Paris as bright, effervescent, illuminating, whimsical, romantic and artistic, I consider London to be Paris’ dark, brooding, melancholic, grey, cool and brilliant brother.

My girlfriend and I went for a long weekend in the context of a ”just the two of us” kind of city trip. It was a freaking success!

We always tend to walk a lot but I think we might have pushed it a little this holiday. I do think it is the best way to see as much as possible and to experience local life to the fullest.

I’ve drawn an approximate walking route on Google Maps to illustrate which neighbourhoods we tackled and when. Please note that it was never this straight as our walks were coloured by walking into random shops, sipping tea at quaint little bakeries and tea rooms, snacking, detouring, etc.

Day 1:

Day 2:

Day 3:

My top 10 of London experiences, not in any particular order:

• Camden Market: colourful, intense, counter-cultural, exotic and local (you know what I mean), dense food market in Camden Lock. I had the meanest Mac ‘n Cheese there (The Mac Factory) and discovered a massive amount of awesome tea at Yumchaa
• Homeslice Pizza in Neal’s Yard. Crisp, thin, creative pizza in a pleasant, urban atmosphere
• Fantastic views in Primrose Hill
• Primrose Hill Books: quaint, little, very charming bookshop which despite its size contains a wide variety of genres. Proper selection
• Camden Town & Lock neighbourhood in general. I like to compare it to San Francisco’s Haight and Ashbury
• Walking through the little Soho streets and entering its plethora of independent cafes, stores, bookshops
• Foyles needs no introduction. I think I got lost in there. Their selection is definitely more of an asset than the store itself
• Koya Bar in Soho – cafe-style, orgasmic Udon noodles served on a communal table. I’ll be back for you, Koya Bar
• Krispy Kreme – needs no introduction AND YES, I did manage to recommend a  giant chain doughnut corporation on my blog.. because.. oh, mamacita!
• Brick Lane Market & Brick Lane: don’t expect an extremely picturesque walk and mind-blowing views. Its eclectic, traditional, folk-like street spirit and tiny slightly torn down side streets and alleyways provide for a fuller, more wholesome travel experience. I loved the graffiti cladded walls and the infinite amounts of touristy Indian-Pakistani-Bangladeshi eateries.

 

 

Oh, the places you’ll go!

This is the absolute last book by Seuss and man, did it become my constant comfort during tough times.

Like a lot of awesome things in this universe, the book is advertised for kids but is carrying a lot of deep, meaningful messages for adults. Apparently, this book is often gifted to college graduates before they head off to ”the real world”.

Compared to his previous works, the illustrations are a little bit rusty but it is clearly compensated for by its content and meaning.

The main message of the book: Life can be extremely tough at times. Just keep on the road and face your challenges head on.

The hero of the story is a little man who heads off for a life long journey and receives the writer’s best wishes. During his travels full of exhilirating, colourful landscapes he finds himself in a variety of situations – some wonderful, some depressing, some frightening.

Just to show off the use of the metaphors in the book, in the middle of the story, the hero gets stuck in ”the Waiting Place” where ”everyone is just waiting”.

This is a piece of my heart and I warmly recommend it to anyone.

Tamino – EP

Recently I was sauntering around town with my girlfriend. Her cousin called and asked if we wanted to join them in the park for a free concert. ”A fellow countryman of yours is about to perform. Tamino or something”, he said. For those who do not know me at all, I am a Belgian living in Amsterdam.
Upon his invitation, we tried to hurry so we could get there in time but sadly the performance was already over. We ended up having a lovely time, nonetheless.
When I got home, I was curious and searched him up on my Spotify. And am I happy I did! What a freaking revelation.
For now, he only released one EP but a spectacular one, at that.
I looked up some background info on him, because after all, he’s a fellow countryman and awesome musician. He’s only 20, born and raised in Antwerp (same town as me), with Egyptian roots, an aspect you can definitely withdraw from the music at times. I’m talking about the occasional Middle-Eastern vibe.
I was clearly on another planet because in one year, Tamino managed to win ”De Nieuwe Lichting”, a talent contest for up and coming musicians on Belgian’s alternative radio station Studio Brussel, sell out a large concert venue twice and play at Rock Werchter, Belgium’s biggest rock festival.
What is so special about his music is that he has a unique sound. A very shy, deep, melancholic tone of voice that can be brazen when necessary. The musical arrangement is very minimalistic. The sonic landscape is quite barren but you rarely feel like you need more than what he provides. A dear friend made a comparison with Jeff Buckley. I think there is something there. What they both convey is a kind of inherent beautiful sadness that they meticulously translate to musical ingenuity.
Sounds like an intense dream..
Listen to his EP – it’s on Spotify. Give him 20 minutes of your time.

 

On religion/spirituality

On the ”about me” sections of my Twitter and Instagram pages, I describe myself as follows: Cultural Jew, semi-practicing Buddhist, hopeless humanist, reluctant agnostic, unflinching liberal, inept occasional guitar player, bookworm, yearning traveler

I always like to refer to that description because it forced me to summarize myself with a limited set of characters.

I don’t adhere to any kind of organized belief system. I do identify myself as a cultural Jew. What does this mean? I grew up in a family of non-practicing Jews and more than anything else, and because Jews and Judaism can be classified as ”a people” and ”an extremely old tradition and set of values” next to merely a monotheistic religion, I have grown very attached to this part of my upbringing. I am agnostic, which means I do not actively believe that anything is known or can be known of the existence of God. I am a strong believer, however, in the fact that in Judaism – believing in God is optional. How I interpret it (because that’s how it works – whether you like it or not), is that this traditional backbone provides a spiritual framework for me. Is it better than any other? No! If I had grown up Muslim, I’d have probably chosen to continue being a cultural Muslim. The thing with Judaism is that it’s MINE. Consider it more like a strong cultural identity than anything else. It doesn’t define all of me but it’s an important part of my heritage.

I am completely, 100% aware of the fact that, purely based on logic, any religious scholar would lose in a debate with a devout atheist. But if I’m absolutely certain of one thing, it’s of the fact that we’re not always looking or even should be looking for logic. If you spend your whole life trying to understand your fellow human being by purely and solely applying logic to each moral or practical dilemma, you’ll soon be left clueless and very frustrated. There’s a big part of ourselves and others we can’t even begin to understand. I don’t claim any kind of God is the answer because that is very dangerous and I do believe we need to extend our logic and knowledge for as much as possible. What I do mean is that I’m trying to be forgiving and even loving of this big part of us that is irrational and abstract.

I won’t ever condone someone forcing their religion or any kind of belief on me.